I say I’m fine…

I say I am fine with everything that has happened. I act normal. I pretend that I am not hurting inside. I laugh at your jokes and smile back when you smile at me. I hold in the pain and put on a brave face. I act calm, cool, and collected. I am strong. I am not in pain. I am happy.

I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I just want to be alone at all times. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t want to see your face. I run as far and as fast as I can to feel something other than the pain inside. I have stress headaches every day.  I am sad. I can’t sleep. I drink about you more often than not.

I miss your embrace. I miss the way you smell. I miss your smile and waking up next to you in the morning. I miss the cuddles even though I hate cuddling. I miss not feeling sad all the time.

I liked you. Maybe even loved you. Which is stupid. I’ve been in love before and that broke me beyond repair but I felt like you could fix me. I got to attached and you couldn’t deal with it. I am sorry for that. I want only the best for you. I don’t ever want to lose you for you mean the world to me. You were there for me when I needed you and I was for you. I will always be here. No matter what. No matter who you end up with. It may always hurt but I can deal. I would rather hurt and see you happy than to be happy and never see you again. Therefore I will suck up all the pain I feel. I will put the smile on my face. I will be kind and happy towards you and everyone else. I will ignore all the things I miss about you. I may still cry at night over you, but it will get better in time. And who knows what may happen in the future. We may end up together like my bestfriend wants, we may not. You will always be in my heart. I will always need you by my side.

It will get better in time.

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