This one is for you… Bitch

Dear You Know who you are,

I will not name you even though I desperately want to. Even though I want everyone to know who it was that did what you did to me. To others, I may be overreacting but for me this was almost equivalent to the end of the world. This has been the only thing on my mind for more than a month now. I am broken.

You were my best friend, my person. The one I did everything with. From spontaneous concerts to breakups to being my support when I went to the doctor. You were the one who was willing to go to Planned Parenthood with me and you know how much that meant to me. I would sit and chat with your parents. You would be by my side as I cried myself to sleep. I was there for you in family emergencies and when you had a seizure. Which scared the crap outta me. I honestly thought you were going to die because I had never seen one before. We had planned what we were going to do on your family vacation that I was so happily invited to. You were the one I would text for any and every reason. I was needy that’s for sure but you didn’t care. Or at least I thought you didn’t.

You knew I had trust issues. You knew I was insecure about so many things. You knew I had struggled with self harm. You knew everything about me. I went to you with all my boy problems even though you would lecture me and tell me not to worry about. I never had to worry about you judging me and always being on my side. Or at least I thought you were.

A week before my birthday a trusted friend, we’ll say Sally, came up to me with information about a situation I had been in with a boy I had really fallen for. He was one of our good friends. I told you everything I felt and about my concerns about it as well. I was informed something he had told Sally. Someone who loves me and cared about him as well. Well Sally asked about me and this boy and why things had ended and apparently you had told him some lies about how I was ready to marry him and have his babies. Lets pause for a moment, while marriage and a family sound great, I’m not sure I ever want kids. I am going to be an elementary teacher for probably the rest of my life and deal with kids on a weekly basis right now, I don’t know if I ever want my own. Also I don’t want to get married until I graduate college which in fact will be in about 3-4 years. So yes totally ready for all that. Anyway, obviously I was pretty hurt that you told him things that weren’t actually true but I was hurt that he would just believe it and never ask or talk to me about it. I also found out that you had liked him the whole time. So while I was crying my eyes out for weeks because I was heartbroken that I lost someone whom I was pretty close with and all you could say was “well he is upset too”. I was your best friend. You always choose your best friends side. I was always on your side. Always. All that time from November on… It was all a lie. I feel so betrayed. My mom says its because I’m very loyal to my friends. It also came to my attention that part of your seizure could have been faked. I don’t remember this because I was so worried for your well being, but Sally was also in the room, and yeah if you’re reading this then you now know who Sally is, But Sally mentioned that in all the years she’s dealt with seizures that no one has ever laughed in the middle of one. It was right after I complemented your eyebrows, then you started coughing and woke up. When we informed your mom she thought it was all very strange as well. So if it was mostly faked, why? Why would you play with our emotions like that?

What bugs me the most is when I texted you about it all. Yeah I texted because I couldn’t possibly see you because of how hurt I was. You never responded, not even to defend your self. You then made passive aggressive tweets about me, which made it worse. You know what that tells me? That tells me that I was nothing to you. I was just a toy in your game called life. I was just a tiny piece of it that never even matter. Someone who’s life you could mess up because yours isn’t maybe what you want it to be? So why can I be happy when you’re not?

I thought I was fine. It was still on my mind but I thought I was getting better with everything. But then one night while I was working late, you came in with your family. I don’t often have mental breakdowns, especially at work, but that night I did. I completely lost it.  Another friend of mine, we will call her Megan, had to calm me down. She had to tell me to breathe and go to the back and just breathe. Sally came in later and when I saw her I lost it again. She held me while I balled. I just couldn’t handle it. The fact that something that broke me never even made you blink. Megan and Sally both made me feel better because they actually care about my well being and were worried about me. You’re mom talked to me that night like nothing was different, and I honestly miss her, I miss your dad and even your sister even though none of us were close. Sometimes I think about  texting them and apologizing for just dropping out of their lives as much as I did yours. But I don’t think they know what you did to me and I don’t know if I could even tell them. I would also like to add that I had almost made it to two years without resorting to self harm but that’s gone now. Not trying to make you feel like shit but if you do.. oh well.

I still hurt. I still think about how I mean nothing every night. Honestly that fucked me up. But guess what, I may despise you and everything you stand for. I may say things to myself that I know if you heard it would really piss you off but I am going to say this even if it is incredibly hard. Even if I am crying as I do this.

I forgive you.

As much as I want to though, I will never forget you and what you did. I may never know why you did that, I may never know if I ever meant anything to you but I will have to live with that. I hope your having a mediocre time on vacation and I hope your family is having the time if their lives.

See ya never hopefully,

The friend’s whose heart you smashed.

 

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