This one is for you… Bitch

Dear You Know who you are,

I will not name you even though I desperately want to. Even though I want everyone to know who it was that did what you did to me. To others, I may be overreacting but for me this was almost equivalent to the end of the world. This has been the only thing on my mind for more than a month now. I am broken.

You were my best friend, my person. The one I did everything with. From spontaneous concerts to breakups to being my support when I went to the doctor. You were the one who was willing to go to Planned Parenthood with me and you know how much that meant to me. I would sit and chat with your parents. You would be by my side as I cried myself to sleep. I was there for you in family emergencies and when you had a seizure. Which scared the crap outta me. I honestly thought you were going to die because I had never seen one before. We had planned what we were going to do on your family vacation that I was so happily invited to. You were the one I would text for any and every reason. I was needy that’s for sure but you didn’t care. Or at least I thought you didn’t.

You knew I had trust issues. You knew I was insecure about so many things. You knew I had struggled with self harm. You knew everything about me. I went to you with all my boy problems even though you would lecture me and tell me not to worry about. I never had to worry about you judging me and always being on my side. Or at least I thought you were.

A week before my birthday a trusted friend, we’ll say Sally, came up to me with information about a situation I had been in with a boy I had really fallen for. He was one of our good friends. I told you everything I felt and about my concerns about it as well. I was informed something he had told Sally. Someone who loves me and cared about him as well. Well Sally asked about me and this boy and why things had ended and apparently you had told him some lies about how I was ready to marry him and have his babies. Lets pause for a moment, while marriage and a family sound great, I’m not sure I ever want kids. I am going to be an elementary teacher for probably the rest of my life and deal with kids on a weekly basis right now, I don’t know if I ever want my own. Also I don’t want to get married until I graduate college which in fact will be in about 3-4 years. So yes totally ready for all that. Anyway, obviously I was pretty hurt that you told him things that weren’t actually true but I was hurt that he would just believe it and never ask or talk to me about it. I also found out that you had liked him the whole time. So while I was crying my eyes out for weeks because I was heartbroken that I lost someone whom I was pretty close with and all you could say was “well he is upset too”. I was your best friend. You always choose your best friends side. I was always on your side. Always. All that time from November on… It was all a lie. I feel so betrayed. My mom says its because I’m very loyal to my friends. It also came to my attention that part of your seizure could have been faked. I don’t remember this because I was so worried for your well being, but Sally was also in the room, and yeah if you’re reading this then you now know who Sally is, But Sally mentioned that in all the years she’s dealt with seizures that no one has ever laughed in the middle of one. It was right after I complemented your eyebrows, then you started coughing and woke up. When we informed your mom she thought it was all very strange as well. So if it was mostly faked, why? Why would you play with our emotions like that?

What bugs me the most is when I texted you about it all. Yeah I texted because I couldn’t possibly see you because of how hurt I was. You never responded, not even to defend your self. You then made passive aggressive tweets about me, which made it worse. You know what that tells me? That tells me that I was nothing to you. I was just a toy in your game called life. I was just a tiny piece of it that never even matter. Someone who’s life you could mess up because yours isn’t maybe what you want it to be? So why can I be happy when you’re not?

I thought I was fine. It was still on my mind but I thought I was getting better with everything. But then one night while I was working late, you came in with your family. I don’t often have mental breakdowns, especially at work, but that night I did. I completely lost it.  Another friend of mine, we will call her Megan, had to calm me down. She had to tell me to breathe and go to the back and just breathe. Sally came in later and when I saw her I lost it again. She held me while I balled. I just couldn’t handle it. The fact that something that broke me never even made you blink. Megan and Sally both made me feel better because they actually care about my well being and were worried about me. You’re mom talked to me that night like nothing was different, and I honestly miss her, I miss your dad and even your sister even though none of us were close. Sometimes I think about  texting them and apologizing for just dropping out of their lives as much as I did yours. But I don’t think they know what you did to me and I don’t know if I could even tell them. I would also like to add that I had almost made it to two years without resorting to self harm but that’s gone now. Not trying to make you feel like shit but if you do.. oh well.

I still hurt. I still think about how I mean nothing every night. Honestly that fucked me up. But guess what, I may despise you and everything you stand for. I may say things to myself that I know if you heard it would really piss you off but I am going to say this even if it is incredibly hard. Even if I am crying as I do this.

I forgive you.

As much as I want to though, I will never forget you and what you did. I may never know why you did that, I may never know if I ever meant anything to you but I will have to live with that. I hope your having a mediocre time on vacation and I hope your family is having the time if their lives.

See ya never hopefully,

The friend’s whose heart you smashed.

 

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I say I’m fine…

I say I am fine with everything that has happened. I act normal. I pretend that I am not hurting inside. I laugh at your jokes and smile back when you smile at me. I hold in the pain and put on a brave face. I act calm, cool, and collected. I am strong. I am not in pain. I am happy.

I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I just want to be alone at all times. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t want to see your face. I run as far and as fast as I can to feel something other than the pain inside. I have stress headaches every day.  I am sad. I can’t sleep. I drink about you more often than not.

I miss your embrace. I miss the way you smell. I miss your smile and waking up next to you in the morning. I miss the cuddles even though I hate cuddling. I miss not feeling sad all the time.

I liked you. Maybe even loved you. Which is stupid. I’ve been in love before and that broke me beyond repair but I felt like you could fix me. I got to attached and you couldn’t deal with it. I am sorry for that. I want only the best for you. I don’t ever want to lose you for you mean the world to me. You were there for me when I needed you and I was for you. I will always be here. No matter what. No matter who you end up with. It may always hurt but I can deal. I would rather hurt and see you happy than to be happy and never see you again. Therefore I will suck up all the pain I feel. I will put the smile on my face. I will be kind and happy towards you and everyone else. I will ignore all the things I miss about you. I may still cry at night over you, but it will get better in time. And who knows what may happen in the future. We may end up together like my bestfriend wants, we may not. You will always be in my heart. I will always need you by my side.

It will get better in time.

A Letter From the Friend You Abandoned

This is a letter to the friend who wasn’t there when it could have changed everything…

Dear Friend,

You are one of the best things to ever happen to me. I met you going into my senior year of high and you changed my life for the better, then for the worse. It was church camp. My favorite time of year. I got to go hiking and there was always so much fellowship. Well one night on that trip I had a lot weighing on my mind as I was planning my senior year. You and I talk for what seemed like hours in the church van out front of our dorms for that week. We cried and laughed and you gave me some amazing advice. I remember it all like it was yesterday.

During the school year you would pick me up for high school youth group because you knew that was the only way I would go. At the beginning of my senior year a classmate I had known since we moved there had shot himself and died in the hospital that night. That shook my senior class. The following Sunday you picked me up for youth group. Halfway through one of the songs during worship, I had to leave. I was balling out in the hallway just thinking about everything that had happened and couldn’t believe that this had happened. You came and held me and talked me through it all till I was able to stand and head back inside.

I went through high school with you by my side. Granted you were a lot older than me I could always count on you no matter what. Well I graduated and you came and watched me walk and that meant the world to me. I couldn’t believe someone cared about me that much that wasn’t my family. We laughed at my party and you met my family. You were one of my best friends.

I moved to college and took my treasures you gave me along the way. I started falling off the edge. I started drinking and partying. Well one night you texted me that you were going to be in town and we should get dinner, your treat. I was soooo excited. We set a date and made those plans. The day came and I got all dressed up because I was so excited to see my friend who impacted me so much. Just didn’t realize how much at the time. Well you texted me that you were running a little behind with work but we could get dessert. I waited in the lobby of my dorm room for an hour. My friends came and went to go have fun. I was still waiting. I texted and called you about a dozen times. No answer. I’m sure I left a few voice mails. I waited some more in the lobby. More calls made and texts sent. Still nothing. I finally went up to my room and cried for a while because you had stood me up. I was hurt. I decided to go hang out with my friends.

I never heard from you again. I needed you. You could have changed everything if you had been there. I may have been different. I may have been able to stay at that school and fix who I was.  For weeks after that one night, I texted you, I looked to see if there had been any accidents. I looked for your obituary. I thought you had died… I finally came to terms with the fact that you were gone from my life. I didn’t understand why someone would just give up on me.

I didn’t see you until a year later. Do you know what that did to me? That broke me. You were doing just fine. I was nothing to you. I cried more for a while.

The impact you had on me was life changing. If you had been there that one night or even called me back to tell me what had happened, I maybe wouldn’t feel unwanted. I maybe would have forgiven you. All I needed was a friend. One who understood me and helped me through it all. All I wanted was someone who didn’t leave.

Thank you for that.

Sincerely,

The friend you abandoned.

Life doesn’t go as planned

Do you ever feel like your life is going no where? Like you are just going in circles? Like you don’t know what the future holds or what it is you even want to do in life? Yeah, me too. Most of the time I feel this way, but lucky for me I have an amazing support system. I am surrounded by friends and family who love me unconditionally and want me to succeed.

When I was a senior in high school I had big dreams. I was going to go to Missouri State University and get my teaching degree. I had everything planned and I was determined. Well I graduated high school and my best friend and I made the journey to Springfield Missouri. We went to lunch and dinner together every chance we got. We made great friends on my floor and all went out every weekend together. Life was good. At least I made it seem that way. I was always missing class and drinking way too much. After a semester at MSU I got a letter in the mail just a few days before Christmas. I had been put on academic suspension and had to move out by the beginning of semester. My world had been flipped upside down… What was I going to do. How could I tell my parents that I had flunked out of college. Moving out of the dorms was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. That was the start to my 2015. You think that’s bad? Just wait, my bad luck continues with no one at fault but me.

I was lost. I felt alone. I felt as if I didn’t have a purpose. I was going no where in life and was doing nothing to make it better. I felt no hope. As a result I began to drink and resorted to self harm. On the outside I looked like I was happy like I was having a grand ol time and living life to the fullest. When I was alone I would cry and cut. I met a boy and fell in love. He broke every part of me. I got into a car accident. I got into many fights with my family which almost broke our relationship. I told them about my tattoo, my MIP. I had two warrants out for my arrest for unpaid speeding tickets. They found my stash of booze and packed up all of my stuff. November of that year things got better. I realized that this wasn’t a life I should be living. I got offer a full time management position at my job. I got baptized with my family. December of 2015 was showing me that maybe things could change and get better. Things were going great. 2016 was going to be a great year. It was.

In Feb of 2016,  I met my best friend, we drank a lot but it was fun and we were young. I decided to go back to school, I fixed my relationship with my parents. I didn’t get a single speeding ticket. I had a boyfriend for a while, then another one haha. I met another person who has become very important in my life and someone I call a dear friend. I had a lifelong dream come true of seeing the Dixie Chicks in concert. I finally went to my first ever NHL game.

I realized that I had a purpose. I knew what I wanted to do with my life and dammit I was going to do it. I was going to prove everyone wrong that doubted me. To the man who told me I’d never get a broadcasting career if I didn’t get a boob job, I am more motivated than ever to show you that I can. I am going to use my smarts to get my dream job. To that rejection letter I have hanging on my wall, I will get there and I will show you that no matter how long it takes I will do what it is I want to do with my life. No one can tell me any different.

Just remember, you may feel stuck and like you are going no where, like you don’t have a purpose. Everyone has a purpose, your purpose is to be you and to show the world your talents. You are amazing and can over come any odds against you. Surround yourself with people who care and people who lift you up. Don’t settle. Love yourself and make the decisions you want. Just remember that sometimes those have some serious consequences. And of course follow your dreams regardless of what people tell you.

I am going to be a sports broadcast journalist. You will be seeing me on TV. My friend from elementary school is in NYC following his dream of being on stage, dancing and singing his heart out. My best friend got the internship she wanted this summer working for a Missouri State Park as an interpreter.

You can do anything you set your mind to. Just believe in you. Because you owe it to yourself.

March 11th 2017

Have you every been in love? I sure have. Once a long time ago, maybe not that long ago but it sure feels like it now. Well it takes forever to get over the one you love after they break your heart. Sometimes it takes time and sometimes it takes a person. Well for me it was a person. He wasn’t perfect by any means. And at first I didn’t want to date him. Well things escalated and I ended up falling head over heals for this ‘man.’ We argued, he couldn’t commit, I couldn’t stay away. I kept running back into his arms and that’s what made him think he could treat me the way he did. I had boyfriends in between our on sessions. And sometimes I slept with him  while I was dating someone else. Yeah yeah cheating is awful and what not but I don’t regret. Clearly I wasn’t happy where I was. Well I was there for him when ever he needed me, but when I needed him… Unanswered texts, unreturned calls. Then after a week or two I’d get a drunken ‘Hey. Come over.’ And the whole routine started over. That lasted for a year. After a while I was sick of it.

At the end of our first year of whatever the hell that was, I told him how I really felt, I needed to know if for once he would tell me he wanted me for me and not just for the lonely drunk nights when he needed a fuck. Well… once again he couldn’t tell me the truth/what I wanted to hear. I wasn’t shocked one bit. I wasn’t even that hurt to be honest. That was when I blocked him on literally everything. And let me tell you that was a very peaceful month. Yes, month. Old habits die hard folks and one night while out at my favorite bar, that I know him to frequent, I decided to unblock him and see if he was out that night. I am not entirely sure what I was hoping for that night but ummm lets just say it did not end well. He was there, we were both wasted and I wasn’t caring about a damn thing. We made out and then I remembered why I hated him so. There’s not a lot I remember from that night. I did not fall into his arms and go home with him. I did not fall for that same old shit once again. The night ended up with me balling my eyes out int the arms of the man i currently like. I feel way too awful about that still…

That was 1 week ago…

A couple nights ago I get a text… I’m sure you can guess who, well lets just say I am done putting up with his shit and I have not been very nice. I also have a nice groups of friends who have my back and are apparently willing to go to jail for me. I am actually going to share a quote from our lovely group chat. The context: I told them all who had texted me(aka the boy) “I’ll fucking make him into mayonnaise. I’ll destroy his little bitch ass. I’ll run his ass over with my jeep…” It goes on and on.

If there’s something you should take from this its don’t hold on to a guy who can’t even tell you how he honestly feels and who only texts you when he’s drunk. Get a man who is honest and kind and loves every part of you unconditionally. Also surround yourself with people who would do anything for you. Especially turn an asshole boy into mayonnaise.

Always remember to love yourself first though. Because if you can’t love you then how do you expect others to love you.